Oh, my friends. I want to communicate with you. I do. I have tried, and my hard drive is proof, with several recent attempts at blog posts that are ultimately not fit for the light of day. Whiny posts about my own feelings of inadequacy and insignificance. Spacey posts about my struggles to decide how much class-load I can handle. All of them boring and self-centered. Plus, I am inexplicably exhausted and in a brain fog I’m not sure I’ve ever experienced before. Misspelling words like fule and matereals in the checkbook does not bode well for the essay I need to proofread and revise into a final draft for Monday.
So somewhere in there lies my issue… I have nothing to write. Nothing that adds enough value to life that I feel justified in putting it before your eyes to occupy your time and inbox space – even if it is only once every few weeks.
So really, I want to communicate. I want to say that I’m still here, but as I’m writing this I’m thinking maybe it is time to say goodbye to the blog. If it isn’t beneficial to my friends, I suppose I ought to just pull out the old journal to write down my thoughts. I think that any one of you who reads this can contact me directly for a dumping out of my innermost thoughts, if desired. I’ll even provide it in writing if you want. I think, or hope, you all know that you have access to my life if you want it, and if you don’t know, it’s not hard to find out.
I am torn, though. I desperately want to cling to the perceived connection of sharing my thoughts and random writings on this blog for others to read, but then it’s all an illusion, really. Let’s not look too deeply into the fact that of the 17 people subscribed to this blog, one of them is my dad. The illusion of connection is not enough.
I will admit (with great trepidation) that one of my great fears in life is being forgettable. Not necessarily the lack of fame or huge success, but forgettable to those who are unforgettable to me. I have been forgotten, overlooked, unchosen (I imagine we all have at one time or another). It always hurts, but worse when the feelings of “your heart, your love, your friendship are worth it to me” go unrequited. That being said, however, I like to think I am not actually forgettable, and to some of you I know for sure that I am not (after all, two of those 17 subscribers are my mom :-)). This blog, on the other hand, is entirely forgettable. So this little note I’m dropping to say I am still here is also saying this blog might not be for much longer.
I don’t know if it seems like I’ve made myself vulnerable on here. Does it? Maybe at times. But to many of you, I have made myself vulnerable. It is something that doesn’t come easily to me, so consider that if I have, it is because I love you – fully, deeply, often painfully, and probably dangerously to my own emotional safety. My heart aches, my tears fall, and my prayers are lifted for that love to manifest in God’s best interest for each of you. And when my heart aches and my tears fall, it is most often a result of that longing for the heart of another – to know it and to protect it. I under-exaggerate to say it is painful. But the openness to love is the work God has been doing in me for a long time, and I praise Him for it – even when it hurts. I long to do life with you, my friends.
Now I’ve gone and turned this into another one of those blog posts. Bear with me.
It may be the lack of sunshine lately, but I am weepy. Melancholy. My highs are high and my lows are low, and I deeply fear the backlash and rejection that may come from sharing them. But yours – I want. I will take them to the Father. I will rejoice with you, and I will cry for you when you suffer loss, pain, exhaustion, frustration. Stick with me – even when I shut down my purpose-lacking blog.
Those of you who are family, you’re stuck with me anyway :-), but even so you’ve chosen me, and I choose you. Those of you who are friends, you’ve loved me enough to stick around on that little subscriber list – very likely just to make me feel better about myself and my blog. I choose you too. Anyone else who takes the time to read this blog – whether subscribed or not, I’d like to know about it. I hope you’ll say something (I think most of you have my email or phone number to text). Thank you for that.
I change my mind a lot on things like this blog, what to write, what to do…so we will see. But I do not change my mind on those I have decided to love.
Tears and prayers and love. And sappy. Never forget the sappy.