Okay, so it’s not quite “101 Ways to Destroy Perfectly Good Broccoli”, but here are a few of my best tips for mutilating this powerfully nutritious and potentially delicious cruciferous vegetable. I think you’ll find the tips I’ve included here to be more than enough to get the job done. I’ve even categorized them by various preparation methods for clarity and ease of use. Enjoy! And be sure to let me know how it goes.
Over cook the broccoli. Place broccoli in a steamer basket inside a 2-quart sauce pan with plenty of water under the basket, and place on the stove over medium heat. When it starts to turn bright green and become fork-tender, ignore it and let it cook an additional fifteen minutes. It’s done when it turns a pale greenish-brown color, and sort of resembles the dead plants you dig out of the garden to make room for your new plants each year.
Alternately, you could just start the broccoli on the stove and forget about it for forty minutes or so. This has a name in our house. We call it steamed mush-oli.
If you want to actually burn the broccoli right there in the steamer basket, put just under ½ inch of water in the pan and cook using the second method.
Under cook the broccoli. Place broccoli in your steamer basket and sauce pan with plenty of water and place over medium heat. Allow the broccoli to steam until it just barely starts to turn a beautiful bright green. Do NOT stick a fork in it to check its tenderness. Scoop it right out of the pan and onto individual dinner plates. You usually just put the pan on the table for everyone to help themselves, but today you should randomly decide to serve it up individually, and put the pan directly into the dirty dishwater. This way you can all figure out at the same time that it’s disgusting, and putting it back on the stove to finish cooking is no longer an option.
Toss broccoli in olive oil, sea salt, pepper and minced garlic. Place on a cookie sheet and into oven heated to 350 degrees. Remove from oven when the tops of the florets are black and deformed.
Use the above method, but roast broccoli in a casserole dish with a lid, instead of a cookie sheet. Remove from oven when broccoli looks done and has the same texture as your flip-flops.
Use the first method again, but line cookie sheet with foil, and use at least a tablespoon too much garlic. Fold the foil to close it over the broccoli before cooking. When it’s done, it should have the perfect tender-crisp roasted broccoli texture. It should taste like armpit though, if you did it right.
Purchase a bulk order of twenty-five bunches of fresh organic broccoli at a price too good to pass up. Set aside one bunch for dinner tonight. Wash and chop the remaining twenty-four bunches and pat dry with every clean towel you can find. Place into several large freezer containers, and freeze for later use. This will save you the trouble of destroying your broccoli when it’s time to cook it. No matter how you prepare it, it will taste like armpit and have the texture of your flip-flops. Broccoli needs to be blanched before freezing. You should have done your research. Learn to love the taste of garlic seasoned armpit flip-flops because twenty-four bunches is a lot of broccoli.
In other dishes:
Add to delicious homemade potato-leek soup. It’s not the same as potato-cheddar soup.
Add to potato-cheddar soup. It’s not the same as broccoli-cheddar soup.
Add to any soup you can find because your broccoli tastes like armpit flip-flops and can’t be consumed separately. Well done, you’ve made armpit flip-flop soup.
If your broccoli keeps turning out just perfect (that is possible – I know because it happened once), let me help. I can fix it.
-Broccoli Slayer, out.
Did I miss anything? Join the conversation in the comments below. We may just find 101 ways to destroy perfectly good broccoli after all!